Gazing down from my little perch at the edge of reason,

I steal a thought of tipping over..

Soliloquy

Soliloquy

Peeping at the night sky from behind my bedroom curtain –

Veiled from the world’s curious gaze;

Squinting my eyes,

Hoping to turn every distraction into a soft, muddled haze..

I giggle softly –

Hum a song completely out of tune,

I wonder why this is the only space

Where I can lower my guard and croon..

I hold my hand out, 

Watching the silver moonlight dance on my palm – blithe and formless,

And watch enchanted,

Knowing that the moment I close my fingers, all I’ll hold is a damp clump of darkness..

There’s so much I want to verbalize,

Unspoken confessions, grumbled accusations, obstinate resistance..

A child who demands to be taken seriously,

Yet an adult who wants to get away with nothing but stubborn insistence.

As the first rays of sunlight threaten to dissolve the night,

A veil of conjured maturity gently replaces the moonlight on my fingers..

And as I scamper to put away the unseemly scraps of my impudent heart,

In the final wink of of the fading moon, an undying promise to patronize my soliloquy lingers.

Always

Long after the pain has ceased
Long after every phone call stops making my heart skip a beat
Long after I stop trying to read what you're feeling ever time our eyes meet
Long after the sleepless nights cease
Long after I stop spending my days torn between the wish to stay and the need to flee
Long after I stop giving myself pep-talks about breaking free
Long after I stop wondering what we could have been
Long after I stop the urge to steal a glance every time you walk by
Long after I've forgotten how your touch felt
Long after time erases the memory of your face the first time we kissed
Long after I stop talking to you when I'm alone
Long after every song stops being about you and me
Long after I actually give up on this crazy dream
Long after the chaos finally calms down, I'll still be weighed down by the words left unsaid..

Everyday pretences

What kind of world do we live in..?

Where a false sense of dignity overrides the strength of laying your soul bare..

Where watering down your very essence by biting your tongue till it bleeds is a sign of endurance..

Where piling on fake smiles in the wake of pain is valued more than coming out and confessing that you're falling apart..

Where shutting out everything that might cause you pain is a sign of maturity..

Where 'keeping it together' is valued more than getting washed away in the torrents of what feeds your soul..

Where the future and our interpretation of what it might hold forces us to live every moment of the present in fear..

Burning bright

I've watered myself down to a version that stuns me whenever I run into me at a sudden corner

And yet I'm surrounded by all these people who are squinting at the sight of me..

Even in my passiveness, I'm too overwhelming, too jarring for them to look at..

Words unsaid

So many words
Aching to brim over
I bite my tongue till tears run down my face
I'm not sure I can handle the outpour
Once the dam is compromised

In search of me

I dream of falling free every day
Yet I manage to chain my soul to some arbitrary book of ethics..

I dream of breaking the shackles that bind my feet
And yet I use my comfort zone to dig in my roots further..

I dream of doing away with every pretence and lay my heart bare
Yet I find myself protecting my heart in a futile attempt to find safety..

The contradictions battle every single day
Neither side wins..
I lose another day trying to find me..